1st Annual Boostocky Festival

My fiance's brothers got new cell phones with voice dialing where you said the name of the person you were dialing and the phone would repeat it back to you and then dial the number. They thought is was fun to enter silly names for each other like Douchey McFuckface. One day, when Kelly and her brothers were riding in the car together, the boys were entering stupid things into their cell phones. One of the boys entered "Bukkake".

I'm not going to tell you what bukkake is here. You'll have to read about it here instead. BEWARE!!!

Well, my fiance didn't know what Bukkake was and inquired about its meaning...to much disgust. Her brothers told her that when she gets home she should tell me that her friends invited us to a Bukkake festival. Unfortunately, my fiance was having a hard time remembering the word and it's pronunciation. When she got home she came straight to our office where I was working on the computer. Here's how the conversation went down.

My fiance (with a big shit-eating grin on her face): Hey, how are you?
Me: Fine. What's up?
My fiance: Guess what...my friends invited us to a "Boostocky" festival.
Me: Boostocky festival? What the hell is that?

I was sitting at the computer and decided to Google "Boostocky". After it got zero hits I realized instantly what she was trying to say.

Me: Do you mean Bukkake?
My fiance (laughing hysterically): Ooops...I said it wrong.
Me: What kind of sick fucking friends do you have?
My fiance: I heard it from my brothers.
Me: Oh, well that's OK then.

Don't worry. I've called Japan and let them know that it's now called "Boostocky".

The Pirate Uncle

Everyone has that one relative that seems just a little stranger than all the rest. That one relative for me is uncle Bob.

Bob is my dad's uncle. He's lived in California my whole life. Apparently I met him when I was very young but don't remember.

A few years ago my family, along with my girlfriend at the time, went to a party at my aunt Dorothy's house (Bob's sister), and Bob was in town for a visit. As we got out of the car and walked toward the house I could here my uncle's boistrous voice resonating from inside. We entered the house and Bob greated us at the door with a hearty "Avast ye mateys and shiver me timbers!"

Bob gave my dad a big hug and my dad introduced me to Bob. "Bob, this is Jason," said my dad.

"Ah, Jason, I be Bob... says me, says I," said Bob. "I haven't seen you since you were a little tyke."

"It's nice to meet you," I said, wereupon Bob reached forward, grasped my shirt, twisted, and proceeded to give me t-shirt nipples.

Arrrrr... how embarrassing.

Spawn of Satan

I'm normally a big fan of animals.

Animals are normally a big fan of me.

I've had several occasions where I've met someone's dog or cat and they say, "Wiffles isn't very fond of other people." Then the animal comes right to me and I hear, "Wow, they never do that. You must be special."

Yes...yes I am.

Then there is Spawn of Satan aka Chance aka Chancer, my soon-to-be in-laws' cat. This fucking cat hates my guts. He looks like a cute, tubby, lovable housecat on the outside. Wash away the facade and what appears is an insanely vicious killer that would waste your whole family given the right moment. Never in my life have I heard a cat hiss or snarl with such venom. And that's just when I walk through the front door. When I speak the cat snarls so much it chokes on its own rage.

I've tried to be friends, but he won't let me come within 10 paces. It used to be two or three paces until I tried the fly swatter experiment. I figured since I can't get close enough to pet him with my hand, I'll try using some type of extension. The closest thing was a fly swatter. I think I got two good pets with the fly swatter before he attached it with the ferocity and strength of a 100 lions.

We played this game for a few more visits until I noticed that Spawn of Satan was no longer watching the fly swatter but was carefully calculating the movements of my hand holding the swatter. Since that day it's been 10 paces for fear of losing something vital to my health.

The other day I tried to make up: "Can't we let bygones be bygones. I want to start over Chance...my sweet, sweet Chancer. I love you Chancer."

Spawn of Satan's response: "Rrrrrrr...rrrrrrrrr...fsst, fsst (hiccup)...mmMMRROOWWWRrr (hiccup)...rrrrrr!!!"

Reunited and It Feels So Good

This morning in the shower I decided to name my left hand Francine.

Francine and I used to be great friends from when I was about 12 to 18 years old. Throughout college up until my late 20's I only saw her periodically and we started to grow apart because of all the other girls I was dating.

After I moved in with my girlfriend and later proposed, and she stopped having sex, Francine and I quickly became best friends again. Now we make love about once a day, usually in the shower or while looking up porn together on the Internet.

You're the best Francine. You always know what I like.