Spa Day: Part I

Last weekend my wife and I spent an afternoon at the spa. We had a body scrub, massage, and a facial. This was my second time going to the spa (the first time I went I got a massage). I used to strongly believe that only women should go to the spa and be pampered and men should run through thorny bushes and do things that make us sweaty and dirty. But I have seen the light...well, sort of. Going to the spa is nice once you are able to get past some of the new and potentially awkward experiences.

Note: When you go to this spa, as I assume is the case with most spas, you undress and put on a robe. Then you go and wait in "Tranquility," which is just a waiting room where people can sit and relax until they are ushered away for their treatments. Underwear is optional. I chose to wear my underwear because I was afraid my robe would come open and expose my rod and tackle to innocent people...not that I would be embarrassed, but I didn't want other people to be embarrassed (especially other guys--you know what I mean).

The Body Scrub
Marta, my scrubber and masseuse for the day, has a European accent from either one of the Scandinavian countries or perhaps somewhere in eastern Europe. She's somewhat butch, with short blond hair and rippling biceps. She takes me to a room and tells me to take off my robe and underwear, if I am wearing any (because the scrub down can get messy [I'm digging this already]). As she is leaving the room to give me some privacy, she lightly runs her hand down my arm. [AWKWARD MOMENT #1: What the hell was that? I don't think that is part of the scrub. That seemed a little too touchy feely.]

I strip and lay on the table, face up, and cover my whoopee stick and skin purse with a towel. Marta enters. The first thing she does is move the towel closer to my peiner so my thighs are exposed. As she does this, she grazes my schlong. [AWKWARD MOMENT #2: I haven't been touched down there since I met my wife, not ever by her, but I guess accidents happen.]

Marta then scrubs down the front of my body. The scrub was nice, if you like the feeling of being rubbed down with wet sandpaper. Marta then grabs the towel and holds it up to cover her view of my hot nakedness and tells me to roll over. [AWKWARD MOMENT #3: Without thinking I turn towards her and am pretty sure, despite her holding the towel up, that I just gave Marta a full frontal.]

Marta puts the towel back on me and adjusts it so that most of it is shoved down the crack of my ass. She then proceeds to scrub my back side, including the cheeks. Marta leaves the room, I get dressed, and then I meet her in the hallway. She tells me to go take a shower and wash off the body scrub and that my wife should be done shortly and will meet me in "Tranquility." As I walk away she brushes my arm again. My wife enters the waiting room and asks me how the scrub went and vice versa. I ask her if she got her ass scrubbed as well. [AWKWARD MOMENT #4: My wife looks at me, laughs, and says, "No, I didn't get my ass scrubbed." I sit and contemplate whether or not I just got molested.]



Spa Day: Part II--Massage and Facial coming soon

Me No Update So Well

It's time to update this biznatch. As always, it's been a while. Here are five things that have happened since my last update.

1. My wife told me to "stop being a snatch" the other day because I kept complaining about how the vinegar she bought wasn't what I needed for a dinner recipe I was making. It came out of nowhere and made me laugh histerically. It's not everyday my wife calls me a dirty name or something of that nature, but when she does, it's always funny as hell.

2. An Orville Redenbacher commercial forced me to explain to my wife that popcorn is actually a breed of corn and that they don't take sweet corn and magically process it into popcorn.

3. A lunchtime discussion about pork made me realize that I didn't know which part of the pig pork chops come from. As an enthusiastic pork eater, I was very dissappointed with myself. However, I was able to find this informative diagram at the 90 Meat Outlet. (HAM is ASS!)

4. I had a dream that I was stirring a litter box full of cat shit.

5. I found out I am going to be an uncle again. I've very happy for my brother and his wife. It also makes me question whether or not I'm ready to be a father. Part of me says, "You're ready. You'll be a terrific father, teacher, and role model." The other part of me says, "You should not have a kid. As impossible as it sounds, somehow, you'll accidently flush it down the toilet."