Staying Regular

A while back I told by wife that I had reached a plateau at the gym and decided to change my workout routine in the hopes of getting better results. Part of that change was to edit out some things in my diet, mainly simple carbohydrates (e.g., sugar, syrup, candy, cake, bread, pasta). I would still eat plenty of complex carbohydrates (e.g., vegetables, fruits, beans). Although many complex carbohydrates contain lots of fiber, which keep you regular in the poopy department, my wife thought that since I was cutting simple carbs out of my diet that I need to supplement my fiber intake.

One weekend, my wife went grocery shopping. Upon her return home, this is how our conversation went:

My wife: I got you something special at the store.

Me: Oh, yeah. What is it?

My wife: Psyllium.

Me: What the hell is that?

My wife: It's a fiber supplement. You know, to help you stay regular. You can mix it in with your food...like your oatmeal or cereal.

Me: OK, I didn't know I was having problems down there. But since you bought it, I guess it couldn't hurt. Where is it?

My wife: I put it in the pantry.

To my surprise this is what I see:

Me: Uhhh, why did you buy me colon cleanser?
My wife: What are you talking about?
Me: Did you not look at the can?
My wife: Of course I did. It says for regularity and heart health.
Me: Did you not see the big blue label that says colon cleanser?
My wife (laughing hysterically): No. I didn't.
Me: How could you possibly miss it. And look how much you bought? Now I have to eat it!

A few days later I put a about 1-2 tablespoons of this stuff into my yogurt and fruit parfait. Texturally I didn't even know it was there - it didn't add or detract from the rest of my breakfast. Also, it hardly had an odor...only the faint smell of dried grain. Then there was the taste. It was vile. (In college my frat brothers used to come up with the most retched concoctions of food and I would eat it without even breaking a sweat. I had and iron stomach). One bite of pysllium in my breakfast and I thought I was going to puke in the kitchen sink. I think wet cat food would have tasted better with my yogurt. I had to plug my nose to choke down a couple spoons of this shit. I ended up throwing the rest of my breakfast and the pysllium in the trash.

The whole experience made me so stressed out I couldn't shit for a week. F U pysllium!

P.S. My A-hole of a wife is no longer allowed to bring me home surprises from the grocery store...STICK TO THE LIST!