Amazing Aerial Acrobatics...or, How My Friend Was Run Over Walking to Work

It's funny how people will tell you something and you ask how it happened, thinking its going to be an awesome story, and it turns out to be really lame. For instance, my friend Carrie calls me and says, "I got hit by a car today!" I'm immediately thinking, "Holy shit...that's awesome." But of course what I say isn't necessarily what I'm thinking. So I say, "Oh my god! Are you OK? How did it happen?"

[At this point I'm hyping myself up for the best story ever. How many times do you get hit by a car walking down the street?]

Carrie: "I'm fine. Just a little sore and I banged my knee."
Me: "Well, at least you're OK. So...so...how did it happen?"
Carrie: "I was crossing the street and this guy turned the corner, didn't see me, and ran into me. I put my hand on his hood and said 'whoa buddy' and kind of rolled off the side of the hood and onto the ground."
Me: "What!?! That's it? ... That was lame. I'll call you later."

What a disappointment. Here's how I would have told the story, regardless of how it happened.

"This guy was weaving through traffic as I started to cross the street. I was few steps from the curb when the car decides to turn and is now headed right at me going eleventy billion miles an hour. I had just enough time to take off my shoe and throw it at his windshield, but it didn't work; he was still barrelling right at me. I had to think fast. From years of being in the high school pom squad I developed almost superhuman leg strength. Just as the car was about to turn me into a spot on the pavement I launched myself into a double toe touch. The car came screeching to a halt right under me. I landed on the hood of the car in a perfect tuck position...but when I tried to climb down, I got my shoe caught on the windshield wiper, tripped, and fell off the car and banged my knee on the pavement. It was so clumsy and I was soooo embarrassed. I went to the hospital to get my knee checked out, had sex with the doctor and ER nurse, and my boss gave me the rest of the day off."

Yes, much better.