If the Right Person Farts...It's Headline News

I watch the news every morning while I eat my breakfast. But today I decided that I wasn't going to watch news on TV anymore. Why? Because the media is ridiculous. All that was on this morning was how the VP Dick Cheney shot a guy while hunting and wasn't releasing any information and how this was a complete outrage to the media. Who cares? This kind of thing happens all the time. When Jim-Bob shot Billy-Bob in the ass earlier this year while squirrel hunting, nobody asked Jim-Bob why he wasn't answering any questions about the state of Billy-Bobs ass. And what about the Olympics! If I hear another word about Kwan and her disappointing withdrawal from the Olympics, I'm going to vomit lots of dirty words in the vicinity of children and old people. Where were the news cameras when I had torn cartilage in my shoulder and couldn't play rugby anymore? Now that would have been good TV--me at the doctor's office asking if I'll ever get to use my arm and make sweet love to Francine again.

Anyway, since the news has been so crappy lately, I've decided that instead of watching the news while eating breakfast. I'd go around the neighborhood and read the paper while defecating in peoples driveways. Then wipe my ass with the newspaper. At least that news is good for something.