5 Things I Thought Would Change After Marriage

I've been married for almost two months now, but I've lived with my wife for over two years. Here are a few things I thought would change after marriage.

1. I would be able to keep some of my stuff. (No. I threw out everything down to my last pair of underwear and had to start from scratch.)

2. There would be more sex! (Just kidding...that was over the day I proposed.)

3. Introduction of sex toys. (Yes. My wife bought me a pocket vagina so we wouldn't have to do it any longer. Now jerking off while she sleeps is twice the fun.)

4. Women would find me more attractive because I'm "off limits" and they know I can commit. (This ring around my finder is like a pop-up blocker for women...and my penis.)

5. Life would be greener on the other side. (Yes, for about a foot, then drops off into a bottomless pit of regret and sorrow. If you walk that fine line, it's sunny and green. Cross it just a bit and you can kiss your ass goodbye...as well as that hand-held vagina.)