Tastes Like Melons

It's been a while. The knee is getting a lot better and I've really wanted to get back to writing down my stupid stories. My wife's friend, Jocelyn, sent me an email yesterday that reminded me of this story and it inspired me to share. Note: some names have been spelled differently to protect the privacy of those involved. Some haven't. Some names have been made up because I can't remember them. Also, for some reason I decided it would be easier to write this in the third person.

Cast of Characters
JT: me
Kelly: JT's wife
Jocelyn: Kelly's bff
Sera: Jocelyn's sister
Craig: JT's friend and Jocelyn's boyfriend
IBTC (itty bitty titty committee): Sera's coworker
Tits McGee: Sera's coworker (has boobs the size of basketballs)
Melons: Sera's coworker (has boobs the size of...well...melons)
Bob and Lisa: Sera's next door neighbors and friends of Jocelyn, Craig, Kelly, and JT


Quick background info: Kelly's former company is a very large employer in the western suburbs of Chicago. Jocelyn and Sera also work for that company. Through association, Kelly also knows IBTC, Tits McGee, and Melons and has seen them around the office. Last summer, Sera threw a party at her house and invited all parties mentioned above as well as a couple other douche bags not worth mentioning. This is what happened.

Sera's party stated at 7 pm. JT and Kelly decided to show up at 8 pm and only stay for an hour because Kelly wasn't comfortable hanging around some of the people she worked with. By the time JT and Kelly arrived, Sera, IBTC, Tits McGee, and Melons were already well on their way to getting noticably drunk.

After 45 minutes of being at the party Sera asks Bob if he can get out his kids' slip and slide. Sera and Bob set up the slip and slide and then Sera, IBTC, and Melons change into their swim suits. JT and Kelly look at each other and both say at the same time, "This isn't going to turn out well."

Sera and IBTC went down the slip and slide a few times, and then went Melons. Melons decided that it would be a good idea to go head first. As soon as Melons got to the wading pool at the end of the slide, the water had pushed her top down exposing her ginormous boobies. JT and Kelly had bet going which woman this would happen to first. Kelly bet on IBTC, but JT won with his bet on Melons because he knows the physics involved with water, sliding, and the likelyhood of boob flashes.

As soon as Melons stood up, exposing her bosoms, the party errupted in applause and hollers. JT knew at this moment that he and Kelly needed to stay a bit longer. JT knew that this was the type of party where boobs were going to pop out of tops like moles popping out of a whack-a-mole machine.

Now, Sera and Bob and Lisa live in townhomes connected to each other and their back yards are also connected. Sera's back door is about 10 feet away from Boba and Lisa's back door. In the townhomes, the door to the back yard opens into the kitchen. After the boob flash by Melons, Bob, Craig, and JT walk into Bob's kitchen to do some shots and shoot some shit. Shortly after that, Melons and ITBC walk into Bob's kitchen asking for a shot. They all do several shots together and then Melons walks behind IBTC. IBTC turns to JT and starts talking:

IBTC: Your Kelly's husband, right?
JT: Yep. Hey, I heard you know my mother-in-law.
IBTC: Yeah. I've know her since I was a little girl, and then I used to work for her. I love Sue. She's the best.
JT: Nice.
IBTC: I've know your wife for a really long time too.

At this very moment, Melons reaches around IBTC, grabs the bottom of IBTC's shirt, and pulls it up over her head. Tits were viewed. ITBC quickly pulls her shirt down and thus began a flashing fiesta between IBTC and Melons for the rest of the night.

JT, Craig, and Bob: Now that wasn't nice of you. Since you just lifted up her shirt, you have to show yours to say your sorry.

Melons proceeds to pull down her suit top. IBTC then pulls up her shirt. This went on for a few minutes.

JT then walks outside to where Kelly, Lisa, and Jocelyn are sitting talking.

JT (starting to get a little drunk): Kelly, you know that chick you know that knows your mom?
Kelly: Yes.
JT: Well, one minute she was talking about how much she likes your mom and telling me how she know you and then she was showing me her boobs.
Kelly: That doesn't surprise me.
JT: OK, just thought you ladies would find that funny. I'm going back to the kitchen now.

Nothing too exicting happens for a while, except JT is becoming more intoxicated. And as this happens, JT's mind stops filtering what comes out of his mouth. JT also decides that since he will probably never see Melons, IBTC, or Tits McGee again, he will speak freely. And since there were lots of boobs earlier in the evening, nearly everything that was going to come out of JT's mouth would be boob innuedo.

For example, later in the evening JT and Lisa are in Lisa's kitchen having a drink. In walks Melons.

Melons: I want to do a shot.
Lisa: What kind of shot do you want. We have lots of stuff. You want a Jaeger Bomb, an Orange Whip?
Melons: No. I'm tired of those.
Lisa (opening her liquor cabinet): Let's see. We have Jack, tequila, Captian, Midori.
JT: Oooooo, Midori.
Melons: What's that.
JT: Oh, you'd like that (lifting his hands up to his chest like he's cupping a pair of breats). It's made of MELONS!

Hence, the nickname Melons. Melons is so drunk she quickly forgets why she came in to the kitchen.

Later, JT, Craig, and Tits McGee are talking in the kitchen. Jocelyn walks in to check on our progress with Tits McGee. JT looks and Jocelyn and opens his mouth.

JT: Jocelyn, where's your other beer?
Jocelyn: I have my beer right here.
JT: Your other beer.
Jocelyn: What other beer?
JT: When you walked in earlier (lifting his hands up to his chest like he's cupping a pair of breats and looking at Tits McGee) you had TWO HUGE CANS of beer!
Jocelyn (laughing): You're and idiot.

The rest of the night was mix of vague memories:

1. JT's conversion with Tits McGee after hearing that she was recently divorced:
JT: something obnoxious.
TM: Wow, you sure are cocky.
JT: Yeah, but obviously your ex-husband wasn't cocky enough for you.

Zing!

2. Melons sitting in a lawn chair, passed out, puking her fucking brains out.

3. Craig consoling Tits McGee in the garage because of what JT said--the whole time trying to get her to take her shirt off and show her boobs.

4. Lisa telling JT that he needs to come to all their parties.


The Aftermath
As a result of JT's actions, he will most likely never be invited to one of Sera's parties again.

JT does not know the whereabouts of IBTC or Tits McGee.

JT and Kelly were at a volunteer event for Kelly's work and saw Melons. It was very awkward...and her boobs were still gigantic.

Melons works in Jocelyns department or building. Jocelyn emailed JT yesterday:
Subject: MELONS!
Text: She's in my office right now!
JT's reply: