Tastes Like Melons

It's been a while. The knee is getting a lot better and I've really wanted to get back to writing down my stupid stories. My wife's friend, Jocelyn, sent me an email yesterday that reminded me of this story and it inspired me to share. Note: some names have been spelled differently to protect the privacy of those involved. Some haven't. Some names have been made up because I can't remember them. Also, for some reason I decided it would be easier to write this in the third person.

Cast of Characters
JT: me
Kelly: JT's wife
Jocelyn: Kelly's bff
Sera: Jocelyn's sister
Craig: JT's friend and Jocelyn's boyfriend
IBTC (itty bitty titty committee): Sera's coworker
Tits McGee: Sera's coworker (has boobs the size of basketballs)
Melons: Sera's coworker (has boobs the size of...well...melons)
Bob and Lisa: Sera's next door neighbors and friends of Jocelyn, Craig, Kelly, and JT


Quick background info: Kelly's former company is a very large employer in the western suburbs of Chicago. Jocelyn and Sera also work for that company. Through association, Kelly also knows IBTC, Tits McGee, and Melons and has seen them around the office. Last summer, Sera threw a party at her house and invited all parties mentioned above as well as a couple other douche bags not worth mentioning. This is what happened.

Sera's party stated at 7 pm. JT and Kelly decided to show up at 8 pm and only stay for an hour because Kelly wasn't comfortable hanging around some of the people she worked with. By the time JT and Kelly arrived, Sera, IBTC, Tits McGee, and Melons were already well on their way to getting noticably drunk.

After 45 minutes of being at the party Sera asks Bob if he can get out his kids' slip and slide. Sera and Bob set up the slip and slide and then Sera, IBTC, and Melons change into their swim suits. JT and Kelly look at each other and both say at the same time, "This isn't going to turn out well."

Sera and IBTC went down the slip and slide a few times, and then went Melons. Melons decided that it would be a good idea to go head first. As soon as Melons got to the wading pool at the end of the slide, the water had pushed her top down exposing her ginormous boobies. JT and Kelly had bet going which woman this would happen to first. Kelly bet on IBTC, but JT won with his bet on Melons because he knows the physics involved with water, sliding, and the likelyhood of boob flashes.

As soon as Melons stood up, exposing her bosoms, the party errupted in applause and hollers. JT knew at this moment that he and Kelly needed to stay a bit longer. JT knew that this was the type of party where boobs were going to pop out of tops like moles popping out of a whack-a-mole machine.

Now, Sera and Bob and Lisa live in townhomes connected to each other and their back yards are also connected. Sera's back door is about 10 feet away from Boba and Lisa's back door. In the townhomes, the door to the back yard opens into the kitchen. After the boob flash by Melons, Bob, Craig, and JT walk into Bob's kitchen to do some shots and shoot some shit. Shortly after that, Melons and ITBC walk into Bob's kitchen asking for a shot. They all do several shots together and then Melons walks behind IBTC. IBTC turns to JT and starts talking:

IBTC: Your Kelly's husband, right?
JT: Yep. Hey, I heard you know my mother-in-law.
IBTC: Yeah. I've know her since I was a little girl, and then I used to work for her. I love Sue. She's the best.
JT: Nice.
IBTC: I've know your wife for a really long time too.

At this very moment, Melons reaches around IBTC, grabs the bottom of IBTC's shirt, and pulls it up over her head. Tits were viewed. ITBC quickly pulls her shirt down and thus began a flashing fiesta between IBTC and Melons for the rest of the night.

JT, Craig, and Bob: Now that wasn't nice of you. Since you just lifted up her shirt, you have to show yours to say your sorry.

Melons proceeds to pull down her suit top. IBTC then pulls up her shirt. This went on for a few minutes.

JT then walks outside to where Kelly, Lisa, and Jocelyn are sitting talking.

JT (starting to get a little drunk): Kelly, you know that chick you know that knows your mom?
Kelly: Yes.
JT: Well, one minute she was talking about how much she likes your mom and telling me how she know you and then she was showing me her boobs.
Kelly: That doesn't surprise me.
JT: OK, just thought you ladies would find that funny. I'm going back to the kitchen now.

Nothing too exicting happens for a while, except JT is becoming more intoxicated. And as this happens, JT's mind stops filtering what comes out of his mouth. JT also decides that since he will probably never see Melons, IBTC, or Tits McGee again, he will speak freely. And since there were lots of boobs earlier in the evening, nearly everything that was going to come out of JT's mouth would be boob innuedo.

For example, later in the evening JT and Lisa are in Lisa's kitchen having a drink. In walks Melons.

Melons: I want to do a shot.
Lisa: What kind of shot do you want. We have lots of stuff. You want a Jaeger Bomb, an Orange Whip?
Melons: No. I'm tired of those.
Lisa (opening her liquor cabinet): Let's see. We have Jack, tequila, Captian, Midori.
JT: Oooooo, Midori.
Melons: What's that.
JT: Oh, you'd like that (lifting his hands up to his chest like he's cupping a pair of breats). It's made of MELONS!

Hence, the nickname Melons. Melons is so drunk she quickly forgets why she came in to the kitchen.

Later, JT, Craig, and Tits McGee are talking in the kitchen. Jocelyn walks in to check on our progress with Tits McGee. JT looks and Jocelyn and opens his mouth.

JT: Jocelyn, where's your other beer?
Jocelyn: I have my beer right here.
JT: Your other beer.
Jocelyn: What other beer?
JT: When you walked in earlier (lifting his hands up to his chest like he's cupping a pair of breats and looking at Tits McGee) you had TWO HUGE CANS of beer!
Jocelyn (laughing): You're and idiot.

The rest of the night was mix of vague memories:

1. JT's conversion with Tits McGee after hearing that she was recently divorced:
JT: something obnoxious.
TM: Wow, you sure are cocky.
JT: Yeah, but obviously your ex-husband wasn't cocky enough for you.

Zing!

2. Melons sitting in a lawn chair, passed out, puking her fucking brains out.

3. Craig consoling Tits McGee in the garage because of what JT said--the whole time trying to get her to take her shirt off and show her boobs.

4. Lisa telling JT that he needs to come to all their parties.


The Aftermath
As a result of JT's actions, he will most likely never be invited to one of Sera's parties again.

JT does not know the whereabouts of IBTC or Tits McGee.

JT and Kelly were at a volunteer event for Kelly's work and saw Melons. It was very awkward...and her boobs were still gigantic.

Melons works in Jocelyns department or building. Jocelyn emailed JT yesterday:
Subject: MELONS!
Text: She's in my office right now!
JT's reply:

Only One Leg to Stand On

I apologize for the absence of recent posts. I had knee surgery a week and half ago and I was really busy leading up to the surgery and really drugged up after the surgery and didn't have time to put up anything new.

I've been getting requests for Spa Day Part 2 and also have my week of rehab with a host of workers painting and performing carpentry on my house while I lay incapacitated and drugged on the couch lined up.

Stay tuned.

My Gigolo Income

I took a quiz this morning to determine the monetary value of the services I provide on what I like to call the naughty cushion. According to the quiz, the average person is worth $164.01 in bed.

What am I worth?


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Wow. That's roughly 7 times what the average person is worth. By my calculations, if I take the number of hours my wife and I have had sex and multiply it by $1,117, she should owe me a whopping $33.51.

Spa Day: Part I

Last weekend my wife and I spent an afternoon at the spa. We had a body scrub, massage, and a facial. This was my second time going to the spa (the first time I went I got a massage). I used to strongly believe that only women should go to the spa and be pampered and men should run through thorny bushes and do things that make us sweaty and dirty. But I have seen the light...well, sort of. Going to the spa is nice once you are able to get past some of the new and potentially awkward experiences.

Note: When you go to this spa, as I assume is the case with most spas, you undress and put on a robe. Then you go and wait in "Tranquility," which is just a waiting room where people can sit and relax until they are ushered away for their treatments. Underwear is optional. I chose to wear my underwear because I was afraid my robe would come open and expose my rod and tackle to innocent people...not that I would be embarrassed, but I didn't want other people to be embarrassed (especially other guys--you know what I mean).

The Body Scrub
Marta, my scrubber and masseuse for the day, has a European accent from either one of the Scandinavian countries or perhaps somewhere in eastern Europe. She's somewhat butch, with short blond hair and rippling biceps. She takes me to a room and tells me to take off my robe and underwear, if I am wearing any (because the scrub down can get messy [I'm digging this already]). As she is leaving the room to give me some privacy, she lightly runs her hand down my arm. [AWKWARD MOMENT #1: What the hell was that? I don't think that is part of the scrub. That seemed a little too touchy feely.]

I strip and lay on the table, face up, and cover my whoopee stick and skin purse with a towel. Marta enters. The first thing she does is move the towel closer to my peiner so my thighs are exposed. As she does this, she grazes my schlong. [AWKWARD MOMENT #2: I haven't been touched down there since I met my wife, not ever by her, but I guess accidents happen.]

Marta then scrubs down the front of my body. The scrub was nice, if you like the feeling of being rubbed down with wet sandpaper. Marta then grabs the towel and holds it up to cover her view of my hot nakedness and tells me to roll over. [AWKWARD MOMENT #3: Without thinking I turn towards her and am pretty sure, despite her holding the towel up, that I just gave Marta a full frontal.]

Marta puts the towel back on me and adjusts it so that most of it is shoved down the crack of my ass. She then proceeds to scrub my back side, including the cheeks. Marta leaves the room, I get dressed, and then I meet her in the hallway. She tells me to go take a shower and wash off the body scrub and that my wife should be done shortly and will meet me in "Tranquility." As I walk away she brushes my arm again. My wife enters the waiting room and asks me how the scrub went and vice versa. I ask her if she got her ass scrubbed as well. [AWKWARD MOMENT #4: My wife looks at me, laughs, and says, "No, I didn't get my ass scrubbed." I sit and contemplate whether or not I just got molested.]



Spa Day: Part II--Massage and Facial coming soon

Me No Update So Well

It's time to update this biznatch. As always, it's been a while. Here are five things that have happened since my last update.

1. My wife told me to "stop being a snatch" the other day because I kept complaining about how the vinegar she bought wasn't what I needed for a dinner recipe I was making. It came out of nowhere and made me laugh histerically. It's not everyday my wife calls me a dirty name or something of that nature, but when she does, it's always funny as hell.

2. An Orville Redenbacher commercial forced me to explain to my wife that popcorn is actually a breed of corn and that they don't take sweet corn and magically process it into popcorn.

3. A lunchtime discussion about pork made me realize that I didn't know which part of the pig pork chops come from. As an enthusiastic pork eater, I was very dissappointed with myself. However, I was able to find this informative diagram at the 90 Meat Outlet. (HAM is ASS!)

4. I had a dream that I was stirring a litter box full of cat shit.

5. I found out I am going to be an uncle again. I've very happy for my brother and his wife. It also makes me question whether or not I'm ready to be a father. Part of me says, "You're ready. You'll be a terrific father, teacher, and role model." The other part of me says, "You should not have a kid. As impossible as it sounds, somehow, you'll accidently flush it down the toilet."

RIP: Turkey Sandwich

It's time to say goodbye, Turkey Sandwich. We've had some great times together. Remember all those times I ate you. Yeah, me too. It was awesome. You were so lean and delicious...simple, yet so complex--I could eat you with white bread and plain old yellow mustard, or dress you up all nice in artisanal breads, cheeses, and fancy lettuces.

But it was too much, I'm bored with you. After so many years, no matter how I dress you up, you bore me. I'm burned out. Everytime I see you, I want to puke. Oh yeah, I've also been cheating on you with Ham Sandwich. And sometimes I feel really dirty and have a hot Italian foursome with Hard Salami, Proscuitto, and Capicola. I can't help it. I have needs.

Maybe someday we'll meet again, when we've both matured a little. But for now, I have to bid you adieu.

It's a New Year!!!

It's been a few weeks since my last post so I'll just take a cue from my friend Lucy at I'm Someone Special and make a list of things that happened over the holiday season.

December 22
11:00 AM: My brother-in-law, Bryan, came over and we started drinking and playing Rock Band on the Xbox 360.
3:00 PM: My wife, Kelly, comes home from shopping to find Bryan and I pretty tipsy, standing in the family room, putting on a show like the gods of rock we thought we were after a few drinks.
3:05 PM: Kelly says we need to take a break to help get everything ready for our party that night.
3:07 PM: Bryan and I convince Kelly to rock out to one song and then we'll start the party prep.
4:30 PM: After about 15 songs of rocking out with Bryan and Kelly and because I was getting hoarse, we decided to take a break.
6:00-9:00 PM: People come over, eat, eat, eat, drink, eat, mingle, people make fun of me because of how drunk I got at my birthday back in November, drink, eat.
9:10-12:00 PM: It is a Rock Band free-for-all, about 20 people are taking turns rocking their fucking faces off.
12:05 PM-12:40: Most people leave. Wash dishes.
12:45 PM-2:00 AM: 6 people are left at my house. Rocking out continues. By this point I'm so tired I'm shredding guitar in my sleep.
2:05 AM: In bed and starting to dream of rocking out.

December 23
Went with Kelly and her parents to breakfast and see the Chicago Symphony Orchestra play Christmas music. I only fell asleep three times. Once was before the show even started. The choir was filing out of doors at the back of the stage into their seats and it was like counting sheep. One minute I'm looking at the stage, taking in the sites. The next minute I'm getting elbowed in the ribs to wake up, my head slouched down to my knees, fast asleep.

Overall the music was good, the choir was good, the dancers were retarded.

December 24
Went to Michigan City, Indiana, to visit my dad, Dave, his fiance, Theresa, and meet her family. I wasn't sure what to expect, but everyone was very nice and we had a very pleasant time. The only hiccup in the evening was when the family's friend, Tommy, suggested that Dave and Theresa should have a kid. I almost shit my pants. Theresa made it clear that that wasn't going to happen and all was well in my world again.

December 25
Kelly's mom's side of the family came over for brunch. I was in charge of cooking breakfast meat. Kelly was doing it, but decided it would be a good idea to pour scalding hot bacon grease into a plastic Dixie cup. She got burned, I took over, which was awesome because I finally got a chance to show off my cooking apron that looks like lederhosen. Then the buffet warmer that Kelly had purchased the day before didn't work, which meant "Christmas is ruined!" After containing that little meltdown all was well. And except for somehow managing to flip my plate of food off the table and all over my lap, it was a nice day spent with family and friends.


December 26
Had to go to work, but took 2.5 hour lunch with some other guys at Brazzaz. I ate fancy meat until I thought I was going to either vomit or poop a meatloaf. We ate so much that despite being an all you can eat restaurant, they stopped serving us food.

December 27-30
Went to Middeltown, Ohio, to visit my dad, Steve, and that side of the family. My uncle, aunt, and cousin from Virginia were also there.

We also got to see my mom, her boyfriend, John, and my aunt Gigi. My 83-year-old aunt sang karaoke. She rocked our fucking faces off.

I'm really glad we got to see and spend time with everybody. I'm also really glad I got to spend time with the carrot cake that my grandma's friend, Ellen, made. She makes the absolute best carrot cake in the world. Hands down. I'm also glad I got to spend time with the huge container of snicker doodles my grandma made. I had so many cookies, cakes, and sweets while I was in Ohio I could pee syrup.

December 31
There was a very bad snow storm in the Chicago area over New Year's Eve. So we (well...not really me) decided that despite the weather it would be a good idea to have dinner with a couple of friends.

On the way to the restaurant we almost died in a fiery crash of movie explosion proportions (at least that what was going through my mind) when our car didn't stop at a stop light and continued to slide down a hill through cross traffic, barely missing two cars. Then, when I went to turn into the restaurant parking lot, my car decided to keep driving straight. I cursed...a lot.

Dinner was awful. The service was good, the wine list extensive, but the food was horrible, especially for the price. Never go to the Turf Room in North Aurora, unless you like eating cardboard.

After dinner we were supposed to go to another friends house to bring in the New Year, but call it a night, drove home in the storm with my butthole puckered the whole way, and capped the New Year off with a crappy movie.

That's all I did.