RIP: Turkey Sandwich

It's time to say goodbye, Turkey Sandwich. We've had some great times together. Remember all those times I ate you. Yeah, me too. It was awesome. You were so lean and delicious...simple, yet so complex--I could eat you with white bread and plain old yellow mustard, or dress you up all nice in artisanal breads, cheeses, and fancy lettuces.

But it was too much, I'm bored with you. After so many years, no matter how I dress you up, you bore me. I'm burned out. Everytime I see you, I want to puke. Oh yeah, I've also been cheating on you with Ham Sandwich. And sometimes I feel really dirty and have a hot Italian foursome with Hard Salami, Proscuitto, and Capicola. I can't help it. I have needs.

Maybe someday we'll meet again, when we've both matured a little. But for now, I have to bid you adieu.

It's a New Year!!!

It's been a few weeks since my last post so I'll just take a cue from my friend Lucy at I'm Someone Special and make a list of things that happened over the holiday season.

December 22
11:00 AM: My brother-in-law, Bryan, came over and we started drinking and playing Rock Band on the Xbox 360.
3:00 PM: My wife, Kelly, comes home from shopping to find Bryan and I pretty tipsy, standing in the family room, putting on a show like the gods of rock we thought we were after a few drinks.
3:05 PM: Kelly says we need to take a break to help get everything ready for our party that night.
3:07 PM: Bryan and I convince Kelly to rock out to one song and then we'll start the party prep.
4:30 PM: After about 15 songs of rocking out with Bryan and Kelly and because I was getting hoarse, we decided to take a break.
6:00-9:00 PM: People come over, eat, eat, eat, drink, eat, mingle, people make fun of me because of how drunk I got at my birthday back in November, drink, eat.
9:10-12:00 PM: It is a Rock Band free-for-all, about 20 people are taking turns rocking their fucking faces off.
12:05 PM-12:40: Most people leave. Wash dishes.
12:45 PM-2:00 AM: 6 people are left at my house. Rocking out continues. By this point I'm so tired I'm shredding guitar in my sleep.
2:05 AM: In bed and starting to dream of rocking out.

December 23
Went with Kelly and her parents to breakfast and see the Chicago Symphony Orchestra play Christmas music. I only fell asleep three times. Once was before the show even started. The choir was filing out of doors at the back of the stage into their seats and it was like counting sheep. One minute I'm looking at the stage, taking in the sites. The next minute I'm getting elbowed in the ribs to wake up, my head slouched down to my knees, fast asleep.

Overall the music was good, the choir was good, the dancers were retarded.

December 24
Went to Michigan City, Indiana, to visit my dad, Dave, his fiance, Theresa, and meet her family. I wasn't sure what to expect, but everyone was very nice and we had a very pleasant time. The only hiccup in the evening was when the family's friend, Tommy, suggested that Dave and Theresa should have a kid. I almost shit my pants. Theresa made it clear that that wasn't going to happen and all was well in my world again.

December 25
Kelly's mom's side of the family came over for brunch. I was in charge of cooking breakfast meat. Kelly was doing it, but decided it would be a good idea to pour scalding hot bacon grease into a plastic Dixie cup. She got burned, I took over, which was awesome because I finally got a chance to show off my cooking apron that looks like lederhosen. Then the buffet warmer that Kelly had purchased the day before didn't work, which meant "Christmas is ruined!" After containing that little meltdown all was well. And except for somehow managing to flip my plate of food off the table and all over my lap, it was a nice day spent with family and friends.


December 26
Had to go to work, but took 2.5 hour lunch with some other guys at Brazzaz. I ate fancy meat until I thought I was going to either vomit or poop a meatloaf. We ate so much that despite being an all you can eat restaurant, they stopped serving us food.

December 27-30
Went to Middeltown, Ohio, to visit my dad, Steve, and that side of the family. My uncle, aunt, and cousin from Virginia were also there.

We also got to see my mom, her boyfriend, John, and my aunt Gigi. My 83-year-old aunt sang karaoke. She rocked our fucking faces off.

I'm really glad we got to see and spend time with everybody. I'm also really glad I got to spend time with the carrot cake that my grandma's friend, Ellen, made. She makes the absolute best carrot cake in the world. Hands down. I'm also glad I got to spend time with the huge container of snicker doodles my grandma made. I had so many cookies, cakes, and sweets while I was in Ohio I could pee syrup.

December 31
There was a very bad snow storm in the Chicago area over New Year's Eve. So we (well...not really me) decided that despite the weather it would be a good idea to have dinner with a couple of friends.

On the way to the restaurant we almost died in a fiery crash of movie explosion proportions (at least that what was going through my mind) when our car didn't stop at a stop light and continued to slide down a hill through cross traffic, barely missing two cars. Then, when I went to turn into the restaurant parking lot, my car decided to keep driving straight. I cursed...a lot.

Dinner was awful. The service was good, the wine list extensive, but the food was horrible, especially for the price. Never go to the Turf Room in North Aurora, unless you like eating cardboard.

After dinner we were supposed to go to another friends house to bring in the New Year, but call it a night, drove home in the storm with my butthole puckered the whole way, and capped the New Year off with a crappy movie.

That's all I did.